So, I am moving today

I am moving into my friend Jon's place for a couple of months, staying with him for the month of October and then watching his place while his in Holland for December. I am really looking forward to this. If I can clean all of the cat fur out of his apartment (he was watching his girlfriends cats while she was in Holland) then this will be an almost ideal situation, I have not crashed on anyone's couch in almost seven years, but this will give me a chance to head my life in a new direction.

This last couple of months all seem to have been about changing the course of my life, to take a look at the things that have been haunting me for many a year, and then dealing with them. I keep wondering why everything is coming down now, why things that are totally unrelated keep happening to me. I won't bother going too much into specifics, but everything including someone getting a hold of my credit card info and racking it to it's limit, has happened.

The nice thing about it is that, except for points of irrational panic, I have been dealing with it all. More importantly though I have been learning how to deal with it differently, and I think healthily. I have had to rely on the support of friends (and I thank you all) and I am not very good at that. I don't like to ask for things, I grew up believing that that made you a burden and therefore you should be ashamed of yourself for it. For awhile I got into a destructive cycle, on welfare and feeling ashamed of it, doing everything I could to help everyone around me, whether they deserved it or not, because it would alleviate my shame. The only problem being that that only put me in my hole deeper and I would stay on welfare longer because I could not afford to get off of it. It became a crutch. I eventually got off the system and stayed off, but I have made similar mistakes since, not the same but similar. I am hoping that this time I can change the pattern permanently. I want to change not only the things I do but also why I do them. I want make all those little things I have learned over the years into a new greater understanding, I like the realizations that I have come to.

Now I want to make them into a new outlook. Wish me luck.